I'm going to say this, because I've been too afraid. I shouldn't be afraid, but trust is new to me. God is a miracle worker. And Jesus saves. And I know it will sound ridiculous. But I've experienced it.

My first suicide attempt was when I was 8 years old, possibly younger. I was molested at school when I was around 6, and by my own father for years starting around grade 6. I did stuff to myself. One thing God says is to forgive. How could I do that? They say God plans everything and that He's our father. So was it right for mine to do that? no. I had to look at God as a father figure. Well I didn't see anything good in that god. I didn't see love in the world. I didn't see hope. I didn't think they even existed. I was dead.

It says in the Bible that we are dead in our sins. But I don't think anyone believed me when I said I was dead, and I was only trying to make things right by killing myself. Sometimes I hated the pain, mostly I thought I must deserve it. Sometimes it was just the taste of blood.

I fought God. I looked at all the arguments against Him, and they were convincing. They say it's easy to be a Christian. All you have to do is believe that Jesus, the son of God, died for your sins and rose again. Sure it sounds simple. But is it easy to trust? Not when you've been betrayed all your life. Not when you see cruelty in Hell. Or too big a universe. It's not easy to trust, and the Christian life is not simple. There is a cost. But, it is better than living without God.

I still struggle with my depression. Every once in awhile, I wonder if I miss the taste of blood. I still want to give up sometimes. But I'm happy. I feel like I've come home somehow. And the voices in my head are gone, and I haven't turned back. And I know that God is there. It seems so subjective, but I know there's been a change. I know that Jesus heals people, who believe in Him.

I can't convince anyone, He has to change them. But maybe my story can give someone hope. Because I've been through the darkness. And I wouldn't want anyone to be there a second longer.

Please contact me if you want to talk about anything: FluffySheep13@hotmail.com
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